Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
