the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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