Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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