when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
