Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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