Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i wish my penis had a tongue
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize