Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
