READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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