When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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