i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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