Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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