he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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