party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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