so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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