You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
