3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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