im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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