apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
