I must be too annoying 4 u.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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