don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
