i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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