Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
