If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize