the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
