here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
