the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
