we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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