I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My bed smells like the plague
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