Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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