I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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