I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
