I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
