i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize