just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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