I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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