So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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