This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Pants are for mortals
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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