I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
