the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
