When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
