I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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