Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize