lets start a swedish sibling band together
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
