I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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