I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
