my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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