o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
