Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
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