Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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