i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
