I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
