My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
