Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
