did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Is it penis luge time yet?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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