Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The uberlube is also flammable
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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