I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just found a bag of teeth...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
