I hope mine doesn't look like that
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
