K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
