I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
