If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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