2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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