Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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